It's All In The Text
by Dr. Art Bowler

Dr. Art Bowler is a psychologist who practices at 138 W. 25th Street in New York City.  He can be reached at 646-823-5080 or at www.drartbowler.com. 
 
Instant text messaging has seemed to hit the nation in recent years as one of the latest technological trends that has enabled individuals to be "accessible" in most anyplace where satellite signals can reach.  Messages are traded by typing text into a text messaging device and sending it via satellite to another text user where it is read.  Thoughts, ideas, and updates can be sent quickly and easily.  This is not the day of smoke signals: it is the day of satellites. 
 
Text messaging has its’ virtues.  Messages are sent immediately with no time delay.   Continual trading of messages allows virtual communication.  Text messaging is quiet and less disturbing than a cell phone.  Text messages are saved after they are read and provide documentation of addresses, times of meetings, instructions, and contact persons.  And text messaging allows us to be contacted anywhere where we can receive a satellite signal within range. 

Texting also has its’ negatives.  It highlights the narcissistic style of our time.  It asserts that we are in demand and must be accessible day and night.  Its’ devices have taken on designer styles and have become virtual status symbols.  People are using text messages to do what they won’t do in person or on the phone (cancel appointments, express feelings, share vulnerabilities).  Text messages limits verbal interaction with others and can lead to feelings of physical isolation.  Texting avoids true intimacy and connectedness.    

As a psychologist in private practice, I am familiar with text messages.  In fact, I often see them pre-, post-, and sometimes during, session (which is another article in and of itself).  Text messaging, used improperly, serves as a means of temporary escape, as a way of avoiding issues in the immediate environment (home, work, people), and as a method for people to numb out and dissociate.  As I listen to my clients speak about using text as a way of ending a relationship, canceling commitments, and avoiding intimacy, I realize that convenience is rarely the reason for sending certain text messages.  Often, the reason has to do with fear, shame, a lack of empathy, problems with assertiveness, low self-esteem, and a denial of the importance of the issue at hand. 
   
So how can we all text well?  Use this text etiquette guide so you can utilize this medium withoug compromising yourself.  

When you can call, I suggest calling.  Calling is personal; it lets the recipient of the call know two things: that you want to speak with them and that they are important to you. 
When you can’t call, keep it brief.  When calling is not an option because of physical limits (you are in a meeting or a place where a call might be disruptive to others), text and then call later.  

When sending out an invitation to another for a get-together (dinner, movie, meeting), texting is fine if you only need to work out times and dates. 
When sending out an invitation where ideas about the meeting need to be worked out (what type of restaurant, which type of movie), make the call.  A continual banter back-and-forth is more fruitful on the phone.

Never text to assert feelings, discuss emotionally sensitive topics, disclose important personal information that is meaningful to you or your recipient, or say you are sorry.  In these instances you must use the phone or meet in person.  Texting can’t convey emotion and feeling and one cannot gauge the emotional climate over the text.

Never text someone when you are out to lunch/dinner with another person.  It sends a signal that you feel the other person is worthy of being ignored.  If you absolutely must, excuse yourself from the situation and apologize for being rude.
When in doubt, call.  When you are in doubt about what to choose, always call.  You can’t go wrong with calling—it is direct, respectful, and honest.

If you are using text messages to avoid intimacy because of fear, shame, problems with assertiveness, or low self-esteem, decide to seek help with those issues so you can experience true intimacy with others in your life.

Texting can be a worthwhile resource.  But it does not and cannot replace human connection.  When you text, monitor your use and be wary of robbing yourself of valuable, meaningful interactions with the people around you.  Be honest about how often you use them for convenience and how often they are used for deeper reasons.  In my opinion, I say use your voice while you have it—its’ value is priceless.